Oregano (pale_spirit) wrote in lostinroses,

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I don't know what to do...help?

Well I have a "boyfriend". I don't really like him, but he is present, and I like to know I have one, so I'm kinda dating him for shallow reasons. There is this guy, however, that I really like, but he lives in California, and I live in Indiana. He tells me he loves me all the time, and hates that I have a "boyfriend". He trys to get me to break up with him, but I duno if I can. Especially this close to Valentines' Day. He says he will move here to see me when he can (when he graduates). He is going to go to college here, for me. He is going to stop causing harm to himself, for me. He is really great, but I just don't know what to do.

On top of all that, my ex (of two times) is flirting with me again. He is really cool, and we had a lot of good times when we dated the first couple of times. And I have a real connection with him also. So that is worse.

So really my whole debate is whether to date the guy in California, or my ex of previous relationships. I really don't like my "boyfriend" as of now. He just doesn't "turn me on" in the way that I need. I can't see myself kissing him and stuff, and I haven't yet. I don't think I will. I'm sure that after Valentines' Day, a little while after, I'll just tell him it isn't working for me. But I still have to get him something. I have no idea what. So I also need ideas for that. I will prolly ask my friend Heather for help with that. I'm going to see if she wants to go to the mall tomorrow. I do hope so.

So today when I was talking to the guy from California, he was like making me feel bad and stuff, but not on purpose, and I just kept telling him I couldn't do this (have mixed feelings for three people) any more. He had to go for a while, then came back and...SAID SORRY! He said he was sorry for being an ass to me. I about died. Because I was the one being a bitch to him, and he apologized. I know that if he lived closer, there would be no doubt in my mind that I would love him. But there is this little voice in the back of my head telling me that he will cheat on me, or that he is fake, I just can't get over the fact that we are so far away. And I think that every girl wants this...to just be held. No kissing, no fucking, not sexual things in any form. Just to be held by a man/woman (depending on your preference) who loves them with everything they've got. I'm just worried that I will never be held again. I want something close. I've come to the cold hard truth, that I can't stand it when I'm away from someone I love. So I'm forcing myself not to love the guy from California. But I continue to flirt with my ex.

I just need advice, from anyone, anyone at all. Anything anyone thinks, tell me. Tell me anything. Help.
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