On top of all that, my ex (of two times) is flirting with me again. He is really cool, and we had a lot of good times when we dated the first couple of times. And I have a real connection with him also. So that is worse.
So really my whole debate is whether to date the guy in California, or my ex of previous relationships. I really don't like my "boyfriend" as of now. He just doesn't "turn me on" in the way that I need. I can't see myself kissing him and stuff, and I haven't yet. I don't think I will. I'm sure that after Valentines' Day, a little while after, I'll just tell him it isn't working for me. But I still have to get him something. I have no idea what. So I also need ideas for that. I will prolly ask my friend Heather for help with that. I'm going to see if she wants to go to the mall tomorrow. I do hope so.
So today when I was talking to the guy from California, he was like making me feel bad and stuff, but not on purpose, and I just kept telling him I couldn't do this (have mixed feelings for three people) any more. He had to go for a while, then came back and...SAID SORRY! He said he was sorry for being an ass to me. I about died. Because I was the one being a bitch to him, and he apologized. I know that if he lived closer, there would be no doubt in my mind that I would love him. But there is this little voice in the back of my head telling me that he will cheat on me, or that he is fake, I just can't get over the fact that we are so far away. And I think that every girl wants this...to just be held. No kissing, no fucking, not sexual things in any form. Just to be held by a man/woman (depending on your preference) who loves them with everything they've got. I'm just worried that I will never be held again. I want something close. I've come to the cold hard truth, that I can't stand it when I'm away from someone I love. So I'm forcing myself not to love the guy from California. But I continue to flirt with my ex.
I just need advice, from anyone, anyone at all. Anything anyone thinks, tell me. Tell me anything. Help.